How To Proactively Love Your Friends During Difficult Seasons - Elaine Gan
Recently, the world seems to be encountering one crisis after another. We’re experiencing a global pandemic, lockdowns, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil, as well as an array of natural disasters. Amidst all these, many are also experiencing personal traumas such as, dealing with the loss of a loved one, declining health, unemployment, strained relationships, violent crime, or tragic accidents. For many, this is a season of unprecedented struggles and upheaval.
“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NKJV)
Jesus mentioned that as long as we are breathing and living on this earth, we will face challenges and these difficult seasons do not stop until our time on earth is up. But we are called to be the light and salt of the earth, to be the Lord’s hands extended and mouth piece, channels of His love to our family and friends during difficult times.
To practically support and help them choose to embrace what life throws at them with some Kingdom principles and healthy coping mechanism and mindsets that will help set them back on the course of their purpose and destiny - we can love them by investing into them spiritually, emotionally and physically.
Be PROACTIVE
Be intentional in reaching out to them, don’t do it based on your convenience. Be proactive in praying for them, showing practical love, persevering with them. Be there before, during and after the crisis. Check up on them regularly and if possible, make time to see them.
Be PERSONAL
Avoid just sending a text message or making a phone call. Where possible, try to meet with them physically either in a home setting, where there is privacy to find better closure or take them out for a meal for a change in setting. If you cannot have physical meetups, an online video chat can be equally as effective. Should they not want to talk about the situation, give them the space, but seek the Holy Spirit for keys to encourage them by sending your prayers to them or sending them a care package with a personalised note.
Be PERCEPTIVE
Listen more than advise.
Initially, it’s better to talk less and listen more. Listen to your hurting friends and listen to the Holy Spirit for keys to unlock mindsets, attitudes or deception. After listening, you can share God stories to help build their faith of what our Jesus has done for others who encountered similar challenges. Help them understand that our relationship with Jesus does not need to be prim and proper. Jesus can take our venting, our disappointment and anger, even if it is directed at Him. After venting, always get them to end with
“BUT, I will choose to trust in You or praise You”. Hab 3: 17-19
“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!” Psalm 43:5 (NLT )
Do not preach to them
During difficult seasons, people tend to question their faith in God. Some get angry at God for not answering their prayers. Others run away from God instead of to Him.
Help them to understand that the enemy wants us to shut God out of our lives, but we need Him even more during difficult times. He is our unending source of strength, joy, peace and hope. He is our lifeline. I find that often offering advice through a biblical story or a testimony is easier to receive than telling them you need to trust God more or pray more or go to church. Explaining the “why behind the what” is really important so we do not sound like we are giving them a bunch of instructions or corrections.
For example, there was a wife who stopped attending connects right after her husband passed away. The connect leader and members had been very supportive of the family during their difficult times, but after her husband’s death she just kept making excuses for not attending. I found out later that it was not that she was upset or angry and wanted to isolate herself, but going to that connect brought back too many painful memories, as she would always go with her husband. It was too painful to go alone.
I explained to her the importance of community during this season of loss. She finally agreed to get connected to a woman’s connect, there were other women there who had also lost their husband and they were able to help her through her recovery journey. I went with her the first time and she subsequently went on her own and was plugged into that connect family. If I had not listened to her and understood her real reason for staying away from connects, I would have kept encouraging her to go back to her previous connect while she kept avoiding it.
Be PRACTICAL
Demonstrate practical love. People were drawn to Jesus because of His kindness and love. We are called to bring the realities of Christ to our world. So, BE CHRISTLIKE! People do not respond to how much we know, or our title, they are interested in how much we do. For example, when someone experiences the loss of a loved one, many pastors and leaders make the mistake of just being involved during the loss, by conducting the wake and funeral. But pastoral care for grief and loss should start even before the loss of the loved one. It should cover before loss, during and after. Pastoral care is not limited to praying for them, sending them flowers or giving a gift, it involves practical support, connections and care.
Below are some practical ways we can show love during difficult times:
Record your prayers and send to them.
They can play it over and over when you are not there physically to pray with them.
During quarantine I was not able to be physically with the wife of a church member who was in ICU battling 4th stage cancer, sending her prayers daily and doing zoom calls with her multiple times a day was how I could support her during those difficult lonely moments.
Introduce them to other praying believers
If they are not in a connect family yet. Encourage them to visit one so they have a larger support system besides yourself. Even better, accompany them on their first visit. I remember one of the toughest funerals I had to do was for a 3 day old baby. Her parents were unchurched but they wanted to have a Christian funeral for her. No church would conduct the funeral as they were not a part of the membership. Their friend approached me as a pastor and asked if I would do it for this family. After receiving a greenlight from our leadership, I went ahead to help them out. Right after the funeral, I invited them to join me for a connect near their home. Little did I know that the wife was not a believer yet and before connects, the husband reached out to me to lead her to Jesus if possible. In the natural, I was reluctant at first, as she had just lost a child and was probably angry at God. But when I obeyed, she opened her heart and received Jesus and at that moment the Holy Spirit gave us a revelation that the little girl came into this world for 3 days so she could find Jesus. The family have been attending church regularly and even hosted connect occasionally.
Help them with their meals
Many who are going through difficult seasons either lose their appetite or they tend to binge on unhealthy meals. We can drop off healthy meals or just send them surprise grab meals so they are sustained.
Help them look after their kids and dependants.
Offer what you can in time, help look after their children or other people that depend on them, so they have space and time to grieve.
Be PURPOSEFUL
Help them set short term and long-term goals, this helps them to find purpose after the loss or break up.
For example there are physical goals they can set, such as eating and sleeping well, exercising.
Teach them principles from the Word of God of how to overcome. Help them to take on a God perspective and to build a Kingdom culture to sow the right seeds in seasons of famine and challenge, in order to reap the right harvest and consequences.
Be honest with them. Speak the truth in love. The best way to love your friends is to be as honest as possible with them, even if it’s something that will be hard for them to hear.
Be PERSEVERING
Don’t give up praying for them. Teach them to be resilient and persevere. Resilience is the ability to cope with the loss, change, and trauma that have been inevitable parts of life even before these extraordinary times. Building resilience can help you better adapt to life-changing events, cope with turbulent times, and bounce back from hardship and tragedy.
Be PATIENT
Support we can give our friends & family during the loss of a loved one:
Before Loss
As much as possible, look for opportunities to give spiritual, emotional and physical support to a sick person and their family before death occurs and do not limit to just spiritual support. It would be sad if we knew of the struggle and we did not visit or pray with them and then try to comfort them during the loss.
How we care for people in crisis, grief and loss are an opportunity for unsaved family and friends to see the love of God through the church.
Spiritual support
Stir faith to believe in the impossible, pray with the individuals and pray with their caregivers. We encourage people to continually listen to the audio bible, praise and worship songs, always bringing an atmosphere of faith into the home. We can add to this by sharing testimonies and sending messages. Help them to find wholeness - give their lives to Jesus, release forgiveness, repent from sins, so their prayers will not be hindered.
Emotional Support
Connect them to community.
Spend time chatting with them, help them to face their fears.
Prepare them to also face death – not because of a lack of faith but to find closure with family.
Physical Support
Meal preps/ healthier meal options
Transportation to hospital etc
Help raise Funds
Connections with better health care and support systems
Looking after kids & dependants etc
During Loss
Spiritual
Try to be there with the family from the moment we are notified of death.
Pray for peace and strength
Ps 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
(If the person you are comforting is of the opposite sex, bring another person with you so that you can physically hug them and pray for them.)
Emotional
1. Be there to be a listener, for them to off load their disappointment, sorrow, guilt, anger..then redirect them to Jesus if they are saved. If they are not Christian, offer to pray for them, most times they will not reject.
2. Remind them that they are in a better place where they are not suffering anymore, use stories and testimonies to comfort and encourage. 3. Help them see God's perspective in the loss.
4. Remind family them that the legacy of the person they lost, still lives on in us. How would the deceased have wanted us to live our lives? 5. Remind them that it's a temporary separation, they are cheering us on up in heaven. They have run their race well, now it's our turn here on earth to carry on their wishes and legacy.
6. Remind them to find proper closure whilst the body is still present. Some family members are busy attending to friends and family and they do not find time for proper closure.
Physically
1. Give them necessary contacts to help them navigate through actual planning of a wake/funeral.
2. Get connects/teams to help with practical support so family can focus on grieving and finding closure.
3. Prepping for wake
(Try to find out before the wake how they became christian? What strengths have they added into lives? Their good points? Look for a unique story to share.
4. If family members are not proactive in comforting them, I normally try to sit and comfort the loved ones physically. For example, put arms around them, pat them on back, tissues.
After Loss
Each person sets his or her own pace when grieving. There will be ups and downs, moments of relief followed by moments of anguish. The first few days after someone dies are generally the most intense, marked by chaos, strong emotions and a “dreamlike” sensation. Over time, a host of emotions may emerge. From guilt, to remorse, to anger, reactions vary from person to person.
It’s not uncommon for grieving loved ones to ask questions like “Why did this happen? Where was God?” or “Why didn’t the doctors find the cancer sooner?” Among those mourning a death, some find the pain diminishes within weeks or months. They arrive at a place of acceptance, peace and hope for the future. They reminisce about their deceased loved one instead of feeling consumed by memories. For others, the healing process persists and it is difficult to enjoy a reasonable quality of life. Everyday events and significant life markers are painful reminders of what could have been. If debilitating symptoms continue longer than six months, we suggest seeking professional help. A Christian counsellor or therapist can help release the emotions that have been stored up inside.
While grief is an expected response to a significant loss, the unfamiliar emotions that arise can lead to feelings of helplessness, fear and isolation. Following a death, everyone works through these stresses differently. Some are instantly devastated; others feel numb and disconnected. Some withdraw socially, while others reach out for support. What’s more, just when the initial shock begins to subside, a deeper sense of reality and despair sets in. Those who grieve may need to learn new skills, adopt different habits and adjust to daily life without the physical presence of the person who died
Help them ensure their walk with Jesus is strong. Help them through forgiving God as well for not answering their prayers.
Help them to understand that it's temporal separation. Focus on those living who still need them.
Give them permission to reach out to you anytime.
Get them connected to a community of people. Some of them do not want to go back to the same connect group as there may be too many memories. Offer to connect them to a new one especially with people with the same loss.
Introduce them to people with similar losses to provide them with support.
Help them find purpose after the loss.
Set short term and long term goals.
Ask questions that would help them face their pain and add faith to help them put their trust in God.
We never lose, whether we die, we win, whether we live, we win.
Written By Elaine Gan
Elaine is on team at Kingomcity in Kuala Lumpur.