The Art of Saying ‘No’ and Saving Your Best ‘Yes’ - Fiona Keshure
"You do not owe anyone a reason". I grew up hearing that statement repeatedly and I use to think about how uptight my father must be to constantly remind my mother of that. After all, she was just being courteous in replying with a reason as to why she's unable to attend to something asked of her. It wasn't until later in life that I understood the value of what He was conveying. He wasn't against being courteous or having manners; he was reiterating a simple principle. That it is in fact okay to say "no" without fear or favour.
"You know, I am still waiting for that invitation to your wedding dinner". Oops, what if you only had a small budget that allows for a small ceremony? "I felt God told me you are to be my wife". Oops, what if you do not feel the same way about this total stranger that just walked up to you? Have you ever said 'yes' to something completely out of reluctance, just because you didn't know how to say 'no'?
Well, you are not alone! Many of us often find ourselves in awkward situations (perhaps more prevalent in my culture than some others) simply because we mistake 'being obliged' for 'having manners'. We don't realise that under differing circumstances, our inability to say 'no' can subject us to emotional blackmail or manipulation. We could easily be taken advantage of, bullied and think it was our fault! We may end up in a loveless marriage, a miserable career or totally miss out on what God has for us just because we fear disappointing man more than we fear God!
Proverbs 9:10, tells us that the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. When we dig deep to understand why it is so hard for so many to say 'no', it boils down to this fear of being rejected, misunderstood or even a genuine fear of missing out. We seemingly lack wisdom to handle these 'tough questions' but, is it simply us having the wrong fears governing our hearts?
The fall of mankind started with a simple 'yes' to the wrong thing. Had King David said "no" to staying home in a time when kings went out for war (2 Samuel 11:1), he might have spared himself from one of his greatest failings.
I am not writing this as an expert, but I am grateful that from a young age, I was given the liberty to have an opinion that differed and not apologise for it. I hope that this would stir you to think about the weight of saying 'no' in light of saving your best 'yes'!
Luke 16:10 (NLT) states that "If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities."
I believe that we all have a desire to do good and help others and that can largely explain why we find it hard to turn another person down. But when we say 'yes' to something that we did not intend or want to; we are being dishonest & the bible says that this follows us in greater responsibilities too. Joseph said "no" when his integrity was at stake with Potiphar's wife. It may not have seemed favourable to him in the moment, as he still got put in jail for something he did not commit but God doesn't miss a thing, especially over the secret things (Matthew 6:4). Of course, we know Joseph's ending was a great one. Not only did God publicly reward Joseph in riches and honour, God also restored everything that was meant for evil.
We need to recognise that our opportunities come from God and not from men. When I entered the workforce, I wanted to study part time at night on top of my day job as I genuinely thought it would enhance my resume. I felt a strong "no" from God. It would have led me down a self-reliant path, that are driven by a series of 'yes' but God is after our obedience & not just our sacrifices. We need to remember that we do what we do, not for the approval of men, but for the pleasure of God - in every area of our lives!
In differing context, we understand the importance of setting boundaries on things we value and we hardly feel bad about it. We do not have a problem yelling at a kid running across a street when a speeding car is going in the child's direction, because we know that momentary loud shout is better than allowing the unthinkable to happen. Yet, many of us run our lives metaphorically speaking in this manner and we wonder why we are burnt out, tired and unfulfilled.
Someone once told me that when they see a person who's constantly busy, they do not see a productive person but a disorganised one. How often have we diminished our self-worth to the endless 'yes' we commit to others, just because we needed that temporal fix of validation?
The bible tells us to 'love our neighbours as ourselves'. The problem lies in the truth that many of us do not love ourselves enough to say no to the things that don't add value to us. Lysa TerKeurst wrote in her book The Best Yes that “whenever you say yes to something, there is less of you for something else. Make sure your yes is worth the less.”
We don't realise that in the midst of our fear of men and people pleasing, we end up breaking the greatest commandments that Jesus left us with - To love God with all our heart, soul, mind & strength and to love our neighbour as ourselves. To truly love others starts with us loving ourselves. So, let me conclude by asking you this today: How much do you love yourself?
Safeguard your best 'yes' today and stop short changing yourself for the temporal approval of men. Give your best 'yes' for the only One that truly deserves your full & wholesome 'yes'.
Written by Fiona Keshure
Fiona is on team at Kingdomcity in Kota Kinabalu and married to Keshure K, together they have a son.