From Lonely to Loved - Di Wern Phoon

Growing up, I was lonely, insecure and fearful. Both my parents were working full-time to support our family, so I spent my weekdays away from home and grew up mostly at childcare centers or under the care of my relatives. At a young age, I had to adapt and learn to deal with problems on my own. There were many days when loneliness and emptiness would keep me up all night, and I would wonder, if things ever get better. 

As I grew older, I started filling the void in my heart by finding love in the wrong areas. I would get in and out of relationships just so I could feel loved, I tried to fill the void where I felt loneliness with boys. It was a constant cycle of temporary happiness before loneliness started creeping in again. At the end of every relationship, I would feel disgusted by my actions and I hated how that made me feel, but nothing I did could take away the emptiness inside of me.  

Even though I grew up knowing who God is, and had attended church regularly, I was skeptical and had always doubted His existence. 3 years ago, in the midst of moving to Singapore and away from a manipulative relationship, I was hopeless, depressed and at the verge of giving up. A close friend whom knew of my situation persuaded me to give church another try, and to pacify her, I agreed to it. 

During my first time back at church, I broke down and started praying to God again. Despite still being doubtful, I knew I felt better and wanted more of that peace. On my second visit, the same thing happened, and I finally responded to the message and rededicated my life. However, I was still uncertain and refused to be added into a connect group because I was confident that I could do life alone. Months flew by and my doubts came back even stronger. Furthermore, being away from home intensified the loneliness and emptiness within me. I struggled to even get a good night’s sleep as I would wake up multiple times throughout the night.  

At the end of 2017, out of desperation, I prayed this bold prayer, “God, please show up in my situation, show me who You really are. I am dedicating 2018 into your hands. I promise to obey whatever that You have placed in my heart and in return, all I want is a personal encounter with You, I need to know that You are indeed real.” 

A month after that prayer, as I was going about my usual Sunday routine and making my way out of a service, I was stopped by a lady named Phoebe, who was a leader from church. She invited me for lunch and even though I was hesitant, I was reminded of the promise I had made with God and so I agreed. Lunch went well and soon after, I started attending her connect.  

After a couple of weeks, I attended ‘This is Christianity’, a midweek event that use to happen every few months. I remember attending with no expectations and did not put much thought into it. That night, I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit and it changed my life. I felt a burning sensation running through my body and on that same night, God spoke to me through two amazing leaders in church whom I did not know. They both had the same message for me; that I was not alone on this journey, God had not forsaken me, nor has He forgotten about me. He is there with me even though I may not believe it. He loves me deeply and I am His precious daughter. For the first time in my life, I felt God’s presence so evidently, there’s no words that could truly describe the experience, but I felt happy, relieved, at peace, and in that moment, I was certain that God is real. 

Months after, I finally took up the courage to get water baptised and started serving in the connect team and youth ministry. Through serving, I had unlearned and relearned the concept of being His child and what it truly meant to be loved unconditionally. I no longer felt a need to go back to my old ways and I was constantly reminded that albeit my imperfectness as a child, and as a servant leader, I was still loved by Him. I was not called to live in slavery but to live boldly as a child of God and to live my life in victory. 

Who knew that a simple yes could lead into this amazing journey? God doesn’t need us to be perfect, all He is looking for is our obedience and our vulnerability to come before Him as we are. No matter how many times we have failed, His grace and His love are unfailing. In tough times, His faithful promises are our armour and protection.  

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 

Di Wern Phoon 

Di Wern is a Kingdomcity Youth leader in Singapore.