Begin Again - Nicole Gumbe

“I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” Isaiah 43:25

I never imagined that I would be where I am today. I was convinced that my story was beyond redemption. Little did I know that every past hurt, trauma, brokenness and mistake was being used by God, and that He was graciously pursuing me in the most beautiful way. 

I did not grow up in a Christian home. Growing up, I experienced things that left me scarred and traumatised, I became a very fearful child because of that. Despite this, I had a very strong awareness of God. I remember times where I would distinctively hear His voice. No one had really taught or told me about Him, but I could feel His presence and I knew that He would always protect me. I became confident as a little girl that I wanted to live for this God who had revealed Himself to me as a protective Father, I didn’t know my biological Father so the idea of God being the Father I never had was very exciting to me. At thirteen years old, I made a decision for Christ and I accepted Him as my Lord and Saviour. 

The years that followed were not what I expected. I felt far from God, and was rebellious towards anything to do with Him. I fell into destructive habits, started drinking, smoking and doing drugs. By the time I was graduating from High School, I was struggling with depression and anxiety, and it was so easy to fall back into habits in spite of my efforts to walk in purpose. There was so much spiritual contention over my life and I knew it, but just couldn’t bring myself to accept that God still loved me the same. I was too far gone, so I gave up. 

The beautiful thing about God is that even if we give up on Him, fail Him and try to run away from Him, He remains faithful to us, He relentlessly pursues us.

A couple of years ago as I was crying out to God, fed up with living a life that seemed to have no purpose, I remembered all the encounters I had as a kid. I was destined for great things and knew the calling on my life but I was not walking in it. It wasn’t until I walked through the doors of Kingdomcity that I began to experience God the same way I did when I was thirteen. I began hearing from God again, I had visions and dreams, prophetic words spoken over me, and my new-found church family loved me back to wholeness. It had been a while since I had experienced this type of intimacy and closeness with God and I wanted more! So I decided to enrol in Kingdomcity Leadership Academy, a nine-month-long intensive discipleship program. I knew there was more and I was going after it.

Someone asked me recently what my biggest fear was, I told them, ‘getting to a point where I'm so far away from God that I can’t hear His voice anymore.' I said this because I knew that His voice was the one thing I could hold on to. His voice was the only thing guiding me and leading me out of my brokenness. That's the most beautiful thing about God, that sometimes, even when He should turn His back on us, when He should disqualify us because of our sin, He comes even closer... not to judge us for being unfaithful but to lead us out of the wilderness. His love isn't afraid of our mess-ups, or scared of our darkest moments; and when He should leave us, He moves even closer. 

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.” Hosea 2:14

God did this with me! I can confidently say that Jesus has restored me back to spiritual health. He is still working wonders in me, but the work He has done so far is something I am beyond grateful for. I’ve never felt this level of joy and peace before in my entire life! I no longer battle with depression or anxiety, my identity as a Daughter is renewed and even my relationships have moved to a place of wholeness. I literally feel Him rewriting my story and He's reminding me that only He has the power to create a new thing in me. 

“I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” Isaiah 43:25

He has given me a blank slate, a new beginning for reasons only He knows. I am just that, a canvas for His glory. So, if you are reading this and you feel hopeless about your future, or you feel disposable because of your past, I can assure you that God is not done with you yet. You are never too broken, or too damaged for God to restore, and there's nothing you can do to be disqualified from Him fulfilling His purpose over your life.

Written By Nicole Gumbe

Nicole studied Entrepreneurship and Business Leadership and is now currently enrolled in our Greenhouse program serving in the worship department.